Hills and Valleys

After day two, I had to quit my first job in Colorado. That's the quickest I've ever quit a job before. It wasn't that I couldn't perform the duties of the trade, but that it made me feel weird to do so. Knocking on  strangers doors at night. Asking them for money. The issue wasn't one I even had an opinion on, other than that given me. Fundraising was unexpectedly dreadful.  It still makes me wriggle inside just thinking about it. Strange that, I never would have thought.

As a youth I was once driven by an ambition for grassroots organizing, of having a true voice in democracy. I would have relished and indeed sought out voraciously the chance to get out and do it. My first day I raised over $90 in an hour. I felt okay. 

During the morning of the second I practiced while my stomach incessantly turned flips. I was nervous, and what an odd sensation that was. I considered myself accomplished in the ways outreach and activism, yet the thought of a second night on the battlegrounds for changing state law was abhorent. It was cold, filled with rejection and doubt, not to mention maybe even a bad idea in the first place. There had to be a better way. Nevermind the trade had supported numerous a worthy cause in the past, for me, it was like worms.

My trainer Darcy and I switched off for the first two hours of night two. I raised a few dollars. People wrote a few letters. The two hours alone, from 7 to 9 pm,  netted a swath of doubt and curiosity. I felt like I was watching my body walk the neighborhood, repeat the pitch and walk away with little, instead of actually doing it. Needless to say, it didn't work well.

The 3rd morning brought no end to the wriggling - a sensation I don't relish to encourage. Henceforth I am hereby removed from CforSe, from canvasing and the frigid air of rejection. No passion within means the flame burns thin, when genuine requests wither and no support is given. 

On the other hand, a training manuel for the skills of canvassing is a bright note. Two nights time and a clear path to avoid isn't too high a price. Perhaps some future goal will ask for the words and regiments contained therein. It appears clear to me grassroots activism says steer and veer from fundraising. Door to door. On the street.

Alas as quickly as it came, my new-found job disappears.